A Mother’s Perspective: First Child Leaving for College
August 18, 2023 7pm
The closing zip of the third and final suitcase Ella is preparing for her early morning flight to Syracuse University tomorrow has rendered me paralyzed. Melancholy and excitement simultaneously permeate my Being, thus producing tears, nausea, diarrhea, and malaise with a sudden burst of laughter, smiles, and anticipation that my first of three daughters will thrive on her own. As I watch our physical bond rapidly disintegrate, I am bracing myself for the sudden release as the final snap of our nexus approaches, forever altering our mother-daughter relationship.
My physical connection with Ella began naturally as she developed within my womb, adding to my own human constituency. The initial severing of connective sinews, of course, launched when Ella thrusted her way through my birth canal, grating my pelvic bone until she emerged from her comforting nascent juncture into this shocking realm of our world. Snip! Umbilical cord cut. Ella was then nourished by my life-sustaining Mother’s milk, and comforted by the warmth of my body, voice, and mere presence. This initial introduction into the forever dissipation of our physical connection was a joyous occasion. At that moment of birth, the initiation of separation was imperceivable.
The scaffolding experiences of toddlerhood, childhood, and her preteen years were all major release points as several binding sinews snapped, shifting our balance to hold onto one another. As if Ella was charged with the mission to prepare me for the final severing of that held us close, she rebelled with teenage angst, spewing biting words, slicing deep into my soul, tricking me into thinking I was ready to let her go. When Ella departs tomorrow, our mother-child bond will shift once more as we float independently yet connected by the bonds of intangible Love, infrequent visits, and genetics!
While I am overwhelmed by comprehending the reality of Ella’s emergence into young adulthood, the fact that Ella is alive, healthy, determined, and curious is not lost within my melancholy. I am grateful that with all the possibilities of outcomes, Ella is a flourishing human being. Now, all I can do is take a deep breath as my precious Ella Rose continues to navigate her life’s journey. I am looking forward to the evolving Mother/Daughter Friendship. First, however, I need to cease my vulnerable sobbing and wipe away the muck of tears.